Recently I had a minor run in with a colleague at work. It really was a silly misunderstanding that we resolved pretty quickly and drew a line under it by hugging and making up. The interesting thing was that neither of us was wrong in our stance, but neither of us was completely right either. Ten years ago, I would have buckled as she is senior to me in age and years of service. However, time and advancing years have taught me to stand my ground and put forth my point of view, but also be willing to listen and give the other person the benefit of the doubt.
I had never been a fan of confrontations. My fallback position had always been to retreat, isolate myself and lick my wounds. Yet, more often than not, that led to a festering resentment inside of me. A feeling of being taken for granted and walked all over.
So, in the last few years I have learned to develop what I call a ‘bite’. It’s not a sharp bite, more like a ‘nip’, but enough to convey the message that although I may be nice and willing to put myself out for you, I will NOT bend over backwards to accommodate your needs, nor will I let you use me as your personal rug.
Believe me, it hasn’t been easy. People get used to ‘you’ being a certain you, so they don’t respond well to a change that alters this version of ‘you’ that they have been used to. Yet, what a world of a difference it has made to my life. No more going to bed rehashing versions of responses I should have given. No more feeling like I have been used once again. It is really quite liberating.
Case in point: the gym that I go to has an ad hoc instructor pop in occasionally to cover the classes of the regular instructors when they are on leave or ill. She has never been overtly hostile towards me, yet instinct has always told me that we will never be best friends. And that’s alright with me. However, recently, she crossed a line during class and I had the age old dilemma of letting it go or speaking my mind. Guess what I chose to do?
So, picture this- A class of mixed abilities and varied age groups gets together to work on their abdomens, posteriors and thigh muscles. This is not a high intensity class. Everyone works to their level. This is also a class with various ethnicities with the majority being white English, but with a few people of colour, including Indians.
The instructor has half the class doing wall squats and the other half doing planks. With every switchover she increases the time from 15 to 30 to 45 seconds. With every 15 second increment, people start to struggle. Like a drill sergeant she commands, “Keep going! No one stops! This is your body…this is how you will change it!!” So far, so bearable. Just about.
Then, she comes out with the piece-de-resistance. “Just imagine yourselves squatting over a filthy toilet in India. You don’t want to sit on that, do you?” This to the group of women struggling to complete their squats circuit.
I am in the middle of doing my plank and my mind goes into overdrive. My gut is telling me that she is bang out of order. My mind is telling me let it go. She’s not worth my time or energy.
Well, I guess the gut won out.
Straight after the exercise I marched over to her and said, “I think what you said was inappropriate and offensive, particularly as you know that there are several Indian ladies in this class.”
She spluttered out an incoherent explanation about having gone backpacking in India in her teens and her experience there and how she could have mentioned China or Brazil but instead this was the example that had occurred to her. I stayed calm and said that really she shouldn’t have mentioned any country at all. There are other ways to inspire and motivate without resorting to tactics such as these.
The class carried on as normal. I was glad to have said what I did, knowing instinctually that I had done the right thing and my conscience was at peace with me. What surprised me however, was the number of people who came up to me after the class to say how shocked they were with what she’d said and how glad they were that I had addressed it.
My takeaway from this entire episode was that confrontations need not be ugly affairs with accusations, anger, tears and strife. They should really be about addressing the issue at hand, speaking your mind in a respectful manner and walking away if your reasoning falls on deaf ears.
Meekness and humility have been touted as virtues over the years, and no doubt they are. However, in the world we live in, they can also be seen as signs of weakness and be taken advantage of. Therefore, by all means, radiate all the love and light that you possess. Be grateful, be humble, be kind, be approachable but keep those canines sharpened for the rare times you might need them. Trust me, no one will ever walk all over you again.
Wonderful write up. Loved it, also because I have struggled with the same issues. Very well written, and with a great gym example that comes as the icing.
Pretty easygoing here too and don’t like and avoid confrontation…but there is only so far u can push it with me and once u cross that line my tongue will become a weapon and I can be quite a serious bitch.